August 19, 2007

21:04 Closure
"For the Lamb at the center of the throne will be their shepherd; he will lead them to springs of living water. And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes." -- Revelation 7:17 (NIV)

It's been five months since the breakup. Sometimes I think my current life is B.B. and A.B. (Before Boyfriend and After Boyfriend); it might have been worth more than a few Life-Change Points.

There are a lot of things I need to leave unsaid on this public journal; suffice it to say that God has been speaking through His Word to my heart. I know I am whole again, redeemed, loved and cherished. With this change in my perception of myself, I also found a change in the way I saw my ex and the girl. Instead of painting them as the villain in this story, I saw it all in a greater context. Everything here on this earth is part of a greater struggle between Good and Evil. As human beings, we were created good, but are fallen. It follows from there; it's all a struggle for our souls.

God saved mine, and I saw that I had to start praying for theirs, too. I had to stop thinking that they had hurt me on purpose, accept that we had all sinned... And once I got to that thought space and started just surrendering them to God, praying that He bless them, God saw fit to give me closure.

Last Wednesday the two of them changed their Friendster statuses to "In a Relationship". Now, this was important to me because as far as I was concerned, something was not right because they were together but not really together officially. I just found myself really happy for them, no bitterness at all. This didn't change even when he removed me from his Friendster list. I guess I understand; I wanted to remove him from my list too, but I didn't think it would look too good, considering we are still on bad terms. I just didn't want it to come from me.

As for me, I feel like I'm closing that chapter of my life now. God has helped me through this really difficult time, and I've learned to rest in Him and put my whole trust in Him. Even though I can't see it on the horizon yet, I have faith that God will give me fulfilling relationships with other people (and not necessarily of the couple kind). He's given me wonderful friends and a really supportive family who pray for me. I don't know where I'd be without them.

There are things I regret about the break-up and what happened after. I was a wounded animal; I let my reactions get the best of me. Perhaps in telling the tale of what I had gone through, I may have badmouthed him to his friends and other people in our workplace. I know it wasn't Christ-like of me, and while I know it felt good to let it all out sometimes I wish I kept my mouth shut.

I think I've gotten to the point where I feel good about keeping silent regarding my opinions of him and whatever he does, and finding good things to say about him and the girl (when people ask me, of course). I know I'll probably never get to the point where I can have a conversation with him and her, but at least I know that on my end, I won't be angry or upset when I run into them. In fact, whenever thoughts of them fly through my mind, to stop them from forming a nest of oppressive and obsessive thinking, I just pray that God blesses them. And I know I mean it, too.

Thank God for that.

Tags: Breakup, Christian, Life Change
 Ade (August 20, 2007 7:43 AM) says:
Well, the way you talk about him now is extremely different from way back. I'm glad that you've already found closure. ;) 

 Anonymous (August 20, 2007 8:37 PM) says:
I understand Noelle. - Ronald Japay 

 mari_elle (August 22, 2007 12:03 PM) says:
You've shown a great deal of maturity in admitting your wrong in the whole situation. Whether or not the other party owns up to their faults is a non-issue. As far as you're concerned, you're healing and moving on. And I see it in you: You have peace and that's what matters. 

 (",) (September 16, 2007 9:08 PM) says:
just want to share this song =)
over you