10:29 AM The Right to Remain Silent
I submitted my last academic requirement for the semester today. Ü I guess it hasn't sunk in for me yet that it's now the beginning of my summer vacation, since I haven't begun vegging out yet. It's like I'm waiting for another requirement to pop up suddenly.

I've been considering my priorities lately, and updating an online journal has dropped out of my top five things to do every day. Somehow, I've gotten over that thing where I feel like I have a responsibility to keep blabbing, even though there's nothing to write about. It's just like a conversation: sometimes I do the talking, and sometimes I just shut up and listen. I'm exercising my right to remain silent, even though I'm not under arrest. Ü

There are other ways of exercising this right. For instance, I don't have to reply to every single email or bulletin board message that comes my way. There are important things, and then there's everything else. Although SMS and email have made it so much easier to get in touch with other people, I find that these also enormously increase the unnecessary things that I now have to deal with. Not only do I have to contend with tons of forwards from people I know, but I also have to screen those "hi can you add me to your friendster" messages that I've been receiving ever since I changed my profile's picture.

So I take the strategy of passive resistance. I just shut up and let them have their say. After all, there's always the "delete" button.

09:11 AM Shout-Out
Hey! My cousin David again has a website! By the way, David, thanks again for yesterday's Saisaki experience.

02:36 PM The Hardening Heart
You trust them with your food. You trust them with your house keys. You trust them with everything you own. But in the back of your mind, you have absolutely no idea who you've let into your homes and your lives.

I'm talking about hired household help. In middle-class Manila, these are "maids" who come and live in your house and do your cooking and cleaning. It's like having a 1950's housewife, only you pay for her services.

Some people hire them from agencies. Others ask friends who have maids of their own whether those maids have relatives who are willing to come to Manila to work. So, you pay for their passage from a far-flung province and hope that when they come work for you, they're trustworthy.

Sometimes, and in my family's case most times this past year, they're not trustworthy. They steal our underwear, overindulge in coffee creamer so we have to hide the container, break a glass and then deny they did it, fail to do something we've told them is important, sleep all day when there are things to be done, etcetera, etcetera. We don't even know if they're really giving us the full amount of food we had cooked.

What to do? I've gotten so angry at them that I've had to lock myself away in my room to cry. I haven't been exercising any Christian qualities of long-suffering, or gentleness, or self-control. I've allowed myself to be angered to the point of stuttering, allowed myself to harbor evil thoughts against them, allowed myself to warmonger in my family. In effect, I've become more monstrous than them.

And lately it's become easier to do this, instead of choosing the better way of forgiving, giving them the benefit of the doubt, letting anger pass over me and through me instead of letting it linger and fester. It's become easier to build a wall around my heart toward them instead of being compassionate. I know this has got to change.

08:49 PM End of Semester
If you've been following my journal entries for a while, you might have the idea that my life this semester has been pretty tumultuous. I, who am living as a direct experience what you are now reading, might not see it that way much. This semester has had its bright moments and its long peaceful interludes, which were enough to give me some respite.

Still, I think this was one of my toughest semesters, unless my mind is failing me and I'm subconsciously blocking out worse memories. I only cry once or twice a semester about my academics, and it's usually only for one subject. This time I thought the world was ending, with me having three difficult subjects and one subject I didn't really care much for.

But why should I expect life to get any easier? If I wanted easy I'd have myself hypnotically regressed to the mental age of five years old and live the rest of my days breaking off Barbie doll heads and building Lego fantasy houses. Yet my mind and body yearn for greater challenge than that, and I guess that's why I'm still doing what I'm doing--I've been killing myself over academic requirements since the age of five.

At every end of a semester, I try to assess what I've accomplished so far. I'm not talking about how many units I have left until graduation or what kind of an average I expect to get. I'm referring to personal growth: my capability to handle stress and all kinds of obstacles, my breaking points and areas for improvement. You know, things I've learned about myself. And for now, I think, I'm pleased with what I see.

Until next semester, that is.

10:13 AM Requisite Excuse
Please pardon the long delay. I'm temporarily concentrating on schoolwork for the next two weeks. Ü