10:34PM Prolonging the Agony
Seven years. I finally summoned the guts to count how many years I've actually been going to school in UP Diliman. Of course, that's counting my undergraduate years, but still, it's a terribly long time.

This upcoming schoolyear is going to be my eighth--and hopefully last--year in school. I've only got the thesis to finish.

However, the thesis is different from anything I've ever actually done. My bachelor's degree didn't require me to complete a thesis, so this is the first time I'm ever going to have to choose what to research, how in-depth my study will have to be, what instruments to use, etcetera. The adviser is there, but I have no idea what his role really is.

I really began thesis work sometime in the second semester of last year, but no matter how I looked at the research problem my adviser set me on, I kept getting daunted by it. I think that in part I was suffering from burnout, but there was also that whispering fear inside my head that over time has started to roar, "You've bitten off more than you can chew!"

But the more I avoid getting down to working on my thesis, the longer it's just going to take me to finish it. I'm not going to be able to escape it; instead, I'll only be prolonging the agony.

So, come Thursday, you'll find me at enrollment, as I have been for the past 14 semesters.

05:25PM For Sale
A couple of months ago I decided to unload a set of books of mine. Since Dune 7 won't be out for some time and I've completely lost interest in the whole thing, I wanted to put all my Frank Herbert books up for sale. Thanks to Charles for listing them up at his LJ this March.

The Dune novels (entire set for P1000 negotiable):

• Dune.
  Paperback. Ace Special 25th Anniversary Edition. (Purchased new last year from A Different Bookstore. Very good condition.)
  Price: PhP 250
• Dune Messiah.
  Paperback. New English Library (NEL) edition containing the alternate prologue "The Weird of Dune" instead of "Excerpts from the Death Cell Interview with Bronso of Ix." (Purchased new from National Bookstore. Good condition, slight chipping of cover along spine.)
  Price: PhP 100
• Children of Dune.
  Paperback. Ace Edition. (Purchased new three months ago from A Different Bookstore. Very good condition.)
  Price: PhP 300
• God Emperor of Dune.
  Paperback. Berkley Edition. (Purchased secondhand. Worn along spine, creased cover.)
  Price: PhP 50
• Heretics of Dune.
  Paperback. Gollancz Edition. (Purchased new last year from National Bookstore. Very good condition, slight creasing along spine.)
  Price: PhP 200
• Chapterhouse Dune.
  Paperback. Gollancz Edition. (Purchased new last year from National Bookstore. Very good condition, slight creasing along spine.)
  Price: PhP 200

If you purchase all six Dune books, I'll throw in the following books for free. You can also purchase these separately.

• The Worlds of Frank Herbert.
  Paperback. NEL Edition. (Purchased secondhand. Shows signs of wear on cover.) out of print.
  Price: PhP 50
• Destination: Void.
  Paperback. Berkley revised edition. (Purchased secondhand. Slightly torn front and back covers.) out of print.
  Price: PhP 50
• Brian Herbert and Kevin J. Anderson. Dune: House Corrino.
  Paperback. Bantam Edition. (Purchased new last year from National Bookstore. Very good condition, slight creasing along spine.)
  Price: PhP 100

Offer available only to Metro Manila residents until I can figure out how to ship internationally. If you're interested, leave me a comment.
09:23AM Frappuccino Light? Yeah Right!
I like Starbucks because I like coffee. Unfortunately, my low-carb dietary demands don't allow me to indulge in its more fancy drinks, like the frappuccinos.

I thought I was saved from this eternal damnation when local Starbucks outlets started offering Frappuccino Light. Apparently, the syrups they use don't contain sugar; instead, the syrups are made with Splenda, a non-caloric sweetener. My mom and I thought we could finally enjoy what we had apparently been missing.

Unfortunately, today I had the good sense to check out Starbucks's official website in order to look at the nutrition facts. Lo and behold, the Frapp Light might be reduced in calories, but they are still carb-full behemoths weighing in at 28 grams for the tall no-whip version. That's more than I can bear to look at, and more than I can bear to hoover down in one sitting.

Care to share a Frappuccino Light?

10:58AM The Cooler
Imagine a person who is so unlucky that they cause other people around them bad luck as well. You see, a Cooler is a person hired by a casino for a special purpose: to cause bad luck to fall on those people who seem to be on a winning streak. There's a movie out there that has this as its theme, but I have a feeling I'm a real-life Cooler--at least, on the people I root for.

I discussed this in January regarding the tennis players I like. I also developed a superstition that if I watched a favorite player's game live on TV, that player would lose the tournament eventually. So far, it's been a hit-or-miss thing, but none of the players I root for have won a major title ever since I started rooting for them.

And now I believe something can also be said about my Cooler effect on other things I watch. The Amazing Race, for instance. In each and every season I have watched, I have seen my favorite team gain dominance over the other players, only to lose because of the most stupid reasons, or to miss placing first by a hair's width. This recent season, Rob and Amber came in second place to Uchenna and Joyce. Now, I'm not taking anything away from U & J's win, since they did work pretty hard at it. But come on! Seven seasons and none of the teams I root for ever win?

So, if you ever catch me rooting for you, you know you're gonna be eliminated. Beware. Ü

EDIT: Yes, I believe my cool hands are also responsible for the downfall of Constantine Maroulis. :(

I'm actually watching Marat Safin right now play against Juan Carlos Ferrero. Since Safin is such an unpredictable player, it's heads or tails whether he'll win this match or not. I have no expectations whatsoever, and it's quite a liberating feeling for me.

08:55PM Can't Stay Unhappy
Now that I've had my cry (i.e. "soul rinse"), and I feel better. Ü Now I'm being bitten by mosquitoes while sitting here trying to think of a way to lighten the mood.

So, I am about to present you a little list of the things that make me happy. These are clean, cheap, and fun ways to get myself out of that bad place. Pretty shallow stuff ahead; no diving allowed. Ü

Five Things That Make Me Happy
• Chocolate: it's even better when it comes in guiltless sugar-free form.
• Music: certain tunes give me an instant lift. It's a doozy trying to find out which ones will do the trick,though.
• Books: sometimes, just flipping through an old favorite, like a hardbound Nancy Drew, diverts my attention from myself.
• Tennis: whacking a fuzzy yellow ball across a net to someone else is almost like hitting a punching bag, and is just as therapeutic.
• Sleep: I'm thinking a lot of my emotional turmoil could be calmed if I just got my eight hours of unbroken slumber.

I guess I should add that writing here is also one way of making myself a little less glum. Who'd have thought it?

04:05PM In a Bad Place
Do you ever have those days where you feel like you can't get up, but you have to? A certain feeling has been gnawing at me. Sometimes, I think it's gone and my issues are solved, and then it comes back over me and drags me into a dark mood.

There are times, like now, when I start thinking self-destructively. It seems like no matter how much I try to do for other people, they keep asking more of me. The feeling I get from that is a mixture of loneliness, anger, and self-loathing. It's something that, when I do confess it to those who are supposed to comfort me, I get rebuked for. I am made to feel wicked just because I keep giving of myself to the point that I have no self anymore.

Over the past few months, I've dropped everything I was trying to do just so I could be supportive of someone I care deeply about. I know no one asked me to do it, but this duty just seems to fall to me, and I can't refuse it no matter how much I try to reason with myself about it.

I feel like nobody around me understands that I make sacrifices every day in order to make their life better. They don't know how much is taken out of me every time I agree to do things for them. What then, happens when I start thinking, "What about me? What about my life? I've given up so much for you and yet you don't even seem to know how much."

What more does everyone want from me, anyway? I say they should just take it all. Take it all! Nothing I ever do is enough, but what I have, take it. Just leave me alone afterwards to cry enough tears to fill the void you leave me with every time.

10:19AM I'm LOST
I can say with all sincerity that JJ Abrams is a genius. After bringing us the spy drama of Alias, he came out with Lost, which so far can't be pigeonholed into one genre of TV. Is it just a drama? Is it merely Land of the Lost for adults? Isn't it a little X-Files-ey with all the paranormal stuff going on? Or is it a sci-fi show?

Apparently, it isn't all those things. It's much better than all that. Ü My brain's still working out the mystery that is Lost, but part of my attraction to the series is the way the writers have us viewers hanging on to every word, and at the end of every episode they have us wanting more. The great casting also helps. I think my favorite actor on it would have to be Terry O'Quinn, who was great as CIA Director Kendrick on Alias, but is phenomenal as the healed-from-paralysis John Locke. Matthew Fox (of Party of Five fame) is the very dashing Dr. Jack Shepard, and Ian Somerhalder (recurring guest star on Smallville's season three) is the pretty boy Boone. Yep, lots of good things to look forward to as I watch it on AXN.

Alas, it's only one episode per week. I'm dying here, even though I've read up on what happens further along in the season. (No need to tell me who died; I already know.) So I've signed up onto The Fuselage, which is a message board and the "official site of the creative team behind lost." JJ Abrams himself sponsors the site, and you do get to post messages and questions to the show's cast, writers, and producers. They actually answer sometimes and clarify certain plot points if needed. It seems like a great way to solicit feedback from the fan base, picking their brains, so to speak.

And more TV goodies are coming to our shores. Smallville season 4 is now airing on Studio 23. Ü And I know I did say that I watched my last Amazing Race season in my 2005 Year in Review, but since Rob and Amber from Survivor All Stars entered Amazing Race 7, I've been watching that season like a hawk. They're now part of the final three teams (other teams being Ron & Kelly and Uchenna & Joyce), and I'm rooting for them. Hey, Amber may have already won the million dollars from Survivor, but they are really strong contenders for the big prize on The Amazing Race. And, they're very, very entertaining.